An update: It’s been two months

It’s been almost 2 months since my second miscarriage and subsequent D&C. And I’m not feeling as strong as I thought I would. When I posted here to tell people I had miscarried the pregnancy, I gave the impression, to myself, and anyone reading, that I would be dusting myself off and “getting back on the horse”. It hasn’t really worked like that. I have found myself affected despite not wanting to waste time feeling sad. It has manifested in something strange:

I don’t want to try again. Well, I do, I want another baby… I just don’t want another miscarriage.

I don’t know if I can face another miscarriage. I don’t want to have sex because there is a risk I’ll get pregnant, even though it’s not entirely straightforward for us to get pregnant in the first place because of my PCOS (or whatever it is, but more on why I’m questioning that diagnosis another time). “Well why don’t you just take the pressure off and use protection?” asked my well-meaning, lovely friend on Friday night over a bottle of wine. Well, we could, but that would feel like we were wasting even more valuable time. Delaying it further wouldn’t stop the fear.

I’m basically stuck in a catch 22 and it’s a really unpleasant place to be. Worse is the fact that I really don’t know what to do about it. Not having sex will stop me from getting pregnant, yes, although my body was more than capable of stopping me from getting pregnant despite swinging from the chandeliers – so then we may as well go down the protection route, right? I don’t know what to do, for my sanity, for my marriage and for my son.

This isn’t a problem I had after my first miscarriage. I was still blindly hopeful. Everyone said “there’s always next time”. Not a particularly helpful thing to say to anyone who’s just suffered a miscarriage, but deep down, I actually believed it. I had more hope then than I do now. There was no reason I should be unlucky enough to have two miscarriages in a row, so yeah, there was “always next time”. No one has said that to me this time, and they’re right not to: “next time” doesn’t mean what it did in the strange limbo between my last two pregnancies.┬áNow “next time” is another certain miscarriage to me.

I just wanted to share this, because I said I’d keep talking, and this is the latest unexpected installment on my journey to attempt to obliterate the miscarriage taboo. It may not be something everyone experiences, but it’s what I’m experiencing, and, well, I don’t know. I know some people who read this blog have had multiple miscarriages, and some have ended up with the family they wanted; some are still trying, some have made decisions they never thought they’d be making. I wonder if what I’m feeling is more common than I think?

15 thoughts on “An update: It’s been two months

  1. As you know lovely lady I had my miscarriage at the end of November, and I feel this way.
    I’m terrified of having another miscarriage. I never want to go through it again. I’m terrified that if I happen to fall pregnant again it’s going to send me in to a mental breakdown of worry.
    I am probably a pessimist, although nobody said to me after “there’s always next time”. Maybe my general overall sadness showed people I probably wasn’t capable of accepting that statement. It’s a horrible limbo land. I’d be 21 weeks pregnant now. I’d know whether my little bundle was. Boy or a girl. I’d be feeling movements. So whilst I’m thinking this way and still getting the stupid email updated telling me how far along I’d be, I can’t quite gather the strength needed to wholeheartedly try and expand my family.
    It’s a minefield though, everyone will feel differently, everyone copes differently, but I really understand what you mean and where you’re coming from xxx *big hugs*

    • I’ve stopped counting the weeks from the last one. Hurts too much. Luckily I blocked all those pregnancy update emails the first time this happened but I understand how you’re feeling, it’s bloody bollocks.

      I wonder if our strength is in there somewhere but we just need more time. It is a terrifying prospect, going through this again, maybe we just need more time to prepare ourselves emotionally before trying again. Who knows? I wish there was a manual but as with all the difficult and painful things in life, it’s unpredictable and unknown and scary. Lots of love xxx

      • I can’t seem to work out how to block them.
        I know I’m not emotionally ready at the moment. I know I’m not stable enough to hack it. There is a part of me though that hate that this happened and feel it’s grossly unfair especially seeing as so many women are pregnant. I hate the irrational jealousy I feel. I hate that now it’s been 3/4 months that I’m not supposed to talk about it or feel sad about it anymore. Every period is a kick in the gut and a reminder of what was and should be.
        We will find the strength and we will both have beautiful babies to add to out families, it will happen and we will get there, but for now we are allowed to grieve. We are allowed to feel tender and allowed to feel hurt. We are allowed to feel the many emotions associated with miscarriage. I am here for you if you need it xxx

  2. First off massive hugs for you!!
    That’s exactly how I felt after my 2 miscarriages and it’s also what is putting me off ‘trying again’. We have until the 18th of March to decide whether to replace or just remove the implant from my arm and I’m constantly changing my mind about it all.
    Here anytime you want to chat lovely xxx

  3. Oh I’m sure this must be a very common feeling. With me, it got to the point where I thought “I CAN’T go through with this again.” I can’t go through the long wait for my cycle to return, the two week wait, the unease at seeing a positive test where there should only be joy, each day feeling like a year, the absolutely crushing blow of knowing for sure that yep, it’s another miscarriage. Then the hormone crash, the emotional crash, and weeks of staring into space. The intense drive to have another child was competing alongside these thoughts, I’d swing from one strong emotion to another from day to day. It was a horribly emotional time. I don’t really have any advice, but I think it’s good that you are being open about how you are feeling. Hopefully it will help you process and work out where you want to go from here.

  4. Big hugs to you my lovely. You know my situation is similar. Bloody sucks hairy balls. A couple of weeks ago shortly after my most recent loss we booked a holiday. Initially we talked about going in may but my OH subtly suggested early sept. Yes it means we have time to save and are having a better holiday but it also means we can no longer start trying straight away for a baby. He hasn’t said but I’m pretty certain he suggested sept so my body could have a rest after having back to back losses. I’ve spent the last 6 months pregnant with no bump to show for it. Events since booking the holiday proved he was right doing this as I got admitted by ambulance to hospital suffering with a haemorrhage – possibly caused by an infection after my ERPC. I’m now glad we booked for sept as I’m forced to rest my body and not try again for several months. Hopefully I will get my referral date for the specialist by then as this was loss number 5. I guess in all my waffle I’m saying you have to do what is right for you. Sometimes those closest may know what’s best. I think my OH did. Waiting may be right for you. It may not. Having no pressure sex with your husband and accidentally getting pregnant may ease the pressure also but only you know what is right for you. It’s awful how loss can affect you with any other pregnancy you may experience. For me it meant I was never convinced I would hold a live baby when I was pregnant with my son. The stress eased a lot once I reached 12 & 20 week mile stones.
    Do what is right for you and your family. You’ve lost. You’ve grieved. You’re still grieving. That’s allowed and normal. But you’re amazing. The pain will get better and you will make the right decision. Whatever that may be. Big love to you. I’m here to talk if ever you need or want to xx

  5. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so common and reading this was like reading my own feelings and thoughts during a time so similar for me. I think it’s called self preservation. But try telling the biological clock that! I wish you well with whatever you decide. I understand the fear of not knowing which way to step. But you get there in time. Sending you love x

  6. Hello; I’m not sure of your story as this is my first visit. All I know is that I could have written this two years ago. Repeated miscarriages for no apparent reason. We had reconciled ourselves to being a family of two as I couldn’t handle another loss. I did have counselling for it and decided to press for investigations and a cause was found. I had the very simple treatment and we now have a ten week old baby.

    I’m so sorry for your losses and it will take a while to grieve. I guess you’ve visited The Miscarriage Association website? They have a virtual garden where you can plant a flower for your babies; that helped me as I had somewhere to go to visit them. I found that to be one of the worst things; there was nowhere to go to see my babies. Because that’s what they were, and always will be.

    I wish you much love and happiness with whatever you decise. xx

  7. I am sorry for your losses, they are too great for others to comprehend when only you had that joy at your result, that expectation of who that line on a stick symbolised. Be gentle with yourself,it’s not a race and if you cannot fathom the fear that a positive result brings allow a little breath. I’ve been there and it’s hard. It did get bette, for me, with time. I hope you find a happy ever after.
    Much love and wishes for joy in whatever shape it takes.

  8. We suffered two miscarriages in between our two children, and I was a mess when I got pregnant with our youngest (now nearly 3 months old)
    It took a lot of strength to attempt again, as I knew a third miscarriage would break me entirely, but in the end my desire for another baby won through and I’m really glad it did. I hope you get there too.
    Much love x

  9. I thought my miscarriage nearly 8 years ago would destroy me, there are still times I sob uncontrollably when I think about what might have been. I felt much the same way, desperately wanting to try again but terrified that it would happen again. I can’t promise you that everything will be ok, I wish I could but I have gone on to have 2 more healthy children. There is always hope and sometimes that’s the only thing we have. Good luck for the future, try to stay strong and enjoy your son, he’s something amazing you created x

  10. Pingback: A leap of faith: Getting past the fear of miscarrying again | My Family Blog

  11. Pingback: A leap of faith: Getting past the fear of miscarrying again | Baby Montgomery

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